I feel like everything has caught up with me today. Emotionally and physically I'm worn out. I've tried to be strong for the last 6 weeks but... I feel like that's slipping away. I'm starting to realize that through all of this I need to be honest with myself. Yes, I'm optimistic. Yes, I'm hopeful. Yes, I believe we're making the right decisions. But I'm also hurting. Deep down, this just hurts.
Through all of this I've had amazing people come forward in support for us. I've met some people who have gone through this, and other things parents shouldn't have to go through, too. And while all of that makes me feel better, it still can't heal the hurt. It doesn't get rid of the guilt I feel and it doesn't completely ease the pain. It doesn't make this go away and it doesn't answer any questions. I'd like to say that my heart is broken, but I've been shown now, twice, what a truly broken heart is. I'd like to say that something positive has to come out of this, and honestly I do feel that way, but why does there have to be so much pain first?
I've asked myself a million times why this is happening? Why does this have to happen to my family? Why is it my kids that have to go through this? Even though it will be Jillian going through the surgeries (and Athan before) it is ALL three of my kids and ALL of us who are affected by this. Why does it have to be MY kids? Why does it have to be JR? And why does it have to be me?
It's not like I'd wish this upon anyone else. But I wouldn't wish it for myself, either. It all just seems so unfair. I hate to host my own pity party- truly I have tried my best not to- but really? Two babies with heart conditions? Wasn't one enough? And why three or more surgeries this time? What did I do to deserve this? Was there something I was supposed to learn after Athan's surgery that I didn't? Some lesson that I was blind to, that if I'd understood would have changed all of this? Did I want a little girl too much? Did I wish too hard for another baby to make my family "complete" instead of just being happy with what and who I had? Why is it me who has to excitedly and at the exact same time apprehensively count down the weeks until she is born? Why is it us who have to try to put on a happy, brave face everyday when really we're mad and scared and hurt inside? Why is it that we are the ones that have to face the fact that our baby might not come home with us? I just don't get it.
The rational side of me wants to say its just something in our DNA. One of those crazy things where you have to have two parents who carry a recessive trait and JR and I both just happen to have it and twice now that recessive trait has decided to come through... or something like that... High School genetics was a long time ago...
But then there's this other side of me.This side that asks all these questions and wants answers that aren't based in science. Who cares if it's genetics? The fact still remains that this is happening to MY family. The truth is, it will be MY baby that I have to watch fighting for life- again. Something so many people- myself included with Oli- take for granted. I don't blame them, and I don't blame myself for doing it with Oli. After all, that is how its supposed to be. A newborn shouldn't be required to fight for their life from the second they are born. So how come some of them do?