Friday, November 19, 2010

This Is Bigger Than Us

From the very beginning, when all this Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome stuff came up and we were still numb from shock and in disbelief, JR and I have talked about how this is "bigger than us". As the days and weeks continue to go  by, I'm realizing more and more how true that statement is. Simpy put, this is just something that we cannot do alone.  I don't know if this is supposed to open our eyes to the fact that life is short. Or show us all the things we have. I don't know if this is supposed to be our way of searching out God- because in a lot of ways we have- or if this is supposed to push our lives in a different direction. I know we'll never be able to look back at this time and say, "Ahh... so that's why that happened..." There's no doubt in my mind that we'll never know for sure.
It amazes me and it warms my heart to see how many people care about Jillian. How many people care about my family. How many people care about us. Through all of this, so many people have "come out of the woodwork" so to speak, to offer encouragement, a kind word, emotional support and of course outfits and blankets and shoes of pink and purple and all things baby girl :)  Some people have given us books in the hopes of helping us cope. Some people have sent me messages on facebook, just to say, "Hey, I'm here and I'm thinking of you guys." One dear friend left a message saying, "You don't realize it, but you have a silent army behind you, cheering you on along the way." Sitting here today, just a few weeks before Jillian joins us, I know already that she is an amazing little girl. Jilly's heart has touched other people's hearts here in Colorado, South Dakota, New York, Minnesota, Wyoming, Missouri, Arizona, Tennessee and Texas and even Scotland, I do believe- and those are just the places that I can think of off the top of my head.
Already Jilly has touched so many lives, but mostly, she's touched ours. While this is, without a doubt, the hardest thing we have ever had to go through, there are some positives that have come to the surface, too. I'm reminded of the power of love, the devotion of family and the faithfullness of friends- even those that I haven't spoken to or seen in  very, very long time. Our families have rallied behind us, doing everything they can to make this as easy as possible for us and especially for Oli and Athan. Our friends have given us unconditional emotional support- despite sometimes having their own personal struggles and hells to deal with. And my husband, the love of my life, has somehow become an even more amazing husband and father than he was before- without his love there is no possible way I could get through this with the illusion of strength that I've managed so far. For these things from all these people, I am forever grateful.

Monday, November 8, 2010

What's New

I realized it's been a while since I last wrote something here. And whether or not anyone is actually interested or not, I think it will be good to have this to look back on someday, after all of this is over and done with. 
So, where are we at...? I am now 33 weeks and a couple of days and on bed rest. I have nothing to do but sit here and try to grow Jilly bigger! Last week at my 32 week appointment and ultrasound my docs saw that my amniotic fluid is quite a bit lower than they would like it to be, so they put me on bed rest about 2 weeks early. I managed to get away with not abiding by the "bed" part of the equation for the rest of last week and the weekend, although I did try to adhere to the "rest"part... more or less. But now, Monday has rolled around and it's officially time for the two to come together. I'm about 4 hours into 6 weeks and WOW! I never would have thought having absolutely nothing to do and having to stick to that would be so hard. Even Oli is getting on me. I went downstairs to refill my water and he said, "No Mommy! You go back upstairs and rest!" Aww... gotta love 3 year olds :) 
What else, what else... hmm... next week I will be going back for another ultrasound to check my fluid levels again and for my 34 week appointment. Starting with my 36 week appointment all my OB care will be transferred to the good folks at Presbyterian St. Luke's so we'll be driving to Denver weekly... let's hope it doesn't snow too much, although just now I probably jinxed myself... We'll have one more appointment to look at Jilly's heart at Children's on November 30th and then- we wait. As of right now we're hoping to make it to 39 weeks- December 18th- and should induce then, or around then. Then the real fun will begin... 
In a small little nut shell that's what's going on. I had a few rough days emotionally, well and physically too, last week, but having my mom here has helped that a bit. More or less I'm in good spirits, for now, and just trying to find ways to pass the time. Only 4 1/2 to 5 1/2 weeks to go! Thank God for my Mom... and Pandora radio!