This Is Bigger Than Us

From the very beginning, when all this Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome stuff came up and we were still numb from shock and in disbelief, JR and I have talked about how this is "bigger than us". As the days and weeks continue to go  by, I'm realizing more and more how true that statement is. Simpy put, this is just something that we cannot do alone.  I don't know if this is supposed to open our eyes to the fact that life is short. Or show us all the things we have. I don't know if this is supposed to be our way of searching out God- because in a lot of ways we have- or if this is supposed to push our lives in a different direction. I know we'll never be able to look back at this time and say, "Ahh... so that's why that happened..." There's no doubt in my mind that we'll never know for sure.
It amazes me and it warms my heart to see how many people care about Jillian. How many people care about my family. How many people care about us. Through all of this, so many people have "come out of the woodwork" so to speak, to offer encouragement, a kind word, emotional support and of course outfits and blankets and shoes of pink and purple and all things baby girl :)  Some people have given us books in the hopes of helping us cope. Some people have sent me messages on facebook, just to say, "Hey, I'm here and I'm thinking of you guys." One dear friend left a message saying, "You don't realize it, but you have a silent army behind you, cheering you on along the way." Sitting here today, just a few weeks before Jillian joins us, I know already that she is an amazing little girl. Jilly's heart has touched other people's hearts here in Colorado, South Dakota, New York, Minnesota, Wyoming, Missouri, Arizona, Tennessee and Texas and even Scotland, I do believe- and those are just the places that I can think of off the top of my head.
Already Jilly has touched so many lives, but mostly, she's touched ours. While this is, without a doubt, the hardest thing we have ever had to go through, there are some positives that have come to the surface, too. I'm reminded of the power of love, the devotion of family and the faithfullness of friends- even those that I haven't spoken to or seen in  very, very long time. Our families have rallied behind us, doing everything they can to make this as easy as possible for us and especially for Oli and Athan. Our friends have given us unconditional emotional support- despite sometimes having their own personal struggles and hells to deal with. And my husband, the love of my life, has somehow become an even more amazing husband and father than he was before- without his love there is no possible way I could get through this with the illusion of strength that I've managed so far. For these things from all these people, I am forever grateful.