In a few days, well any day, really, Jilly will be here :)
Wow, how did this go so fast? It seems like this entire pregnancy has flown by... I'm so excited to meet her and have her in my arms and try to figure out if she looks like JR or me. I'm excited to see if she really does have hair. And I can't wait to see what Oli and Athan think of her.
We still don't have a real definite plan. But, I guess that's how it goes with most babies anyway. We have one last appoinmtent at Presbyterian St. Luke's in Denver on Wednesday and they may- or may not- induce on that day. It feels so close, yet so far away...
I have to admit, it's hard not to feel a little bit robbed of this pregnancy. JR and I have spent the last 15 weeks worrying about her and worrying about the boys and worrying about normal everyday life stuff that we would have worried about anyway, that we haven't really had time to just enjoy this. Yesterday marked 38 weeks. How am I 38 weeks already? Where did all that time go? Ah... it probably passed along with all the ups and downs.
On November 30th we had an ultrasound to check my amniotic fluid levels and her growth and they estimated her at only 4 pounds 12 ounces. My heart sank when they told us this... We were expecting her to be right around 6 pounds at that time. She needs to be as big as possible for surgery and this was not a good sign. But this last Friday, only 10 days later, we had another ultrasound and this time they estimated her at 6 pounds 8 ounces! Much, much better as that is right where the surgeons would prefer her to be for surgery. We can relax, if only a little, once again.
I'm not sure that I can even put into words all the different emotions that I'm feeling. I'm excited and scared, of course (although I think that would be true of any pregnancy). I'm anxious. I'm nervous. Sometimes I think I'm "ready" for all of this, even though I know that I'm not, because really, no amount of "planning" (of which we successfully have almost none) can prepare us for this.
I'm not ready to see my baby- another one of my babies- like that, even if I have seen it before. I don't want to search for her through tubes and wires and machines. I don't want to see where they had to cut her chest open to fix her heart- because it should have just been perfect to begin with. I'm not ready to fall half-asleep to the noise of the machine that will be keeping my daughter alive. I'm not ready for all the alarms to go off when her heart rate gets too high or too low or when her oxygen levels aren't just right. I'm not ready to just sit and watch her fight for her life and not even be able to hold her or comfort her, except to maybe stroke her cheek. I'm not ready to be away from JR and especially not Oli and Athan for 6 to 8 weeks or even 2 days. In the almost 4 years that we've been parents we've been away from our boys for a total of 4 or maybe 5 nights. I'm just not ready. Not really...
Some people say, "well you've already been through this once, so you know what to expect!" And apparently that should make it all better- but no, we have not been through this already. We have been through something similar, yes, but not this. And even if it had been the exact same situation, no, it would not make it better...
I guess all I can do over the next few days is really try to just enjoy these last few moments of (mostly) chaos free life- like right now, when Oli is asleep in our bed next to me snoring like he's 40 (the whole reason I'm up during the 5 o'clock hour anyway)- because wether we're ready or not, Jilly will be here any day now. :)
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