Last Thursday we met with our doctors at Children's Hospital. The last time we were there, we left feeling completely overwhelmed with our heads in the clouds. We weren't happy about our situation. We didn't fully understand it. And we certainly didn't think it was in the least bit fair, but at the very, very least we did feel somewhat optimistic. After all, we still had four months before we really had to start worrying about anything. Four months before Jillian was due. Four months before we would actually be going through anything.
Oh how wrong we were.
Having four weeks between our first Children's appointment and the one we had Thursday gave us time- nothing but time- to sit and think and contemplate and question and worry about everything. The thing is, no matter how much time we spent thinking and contemplating and questioning and worrying, all of this still somehow didn't feel real. Not to me at least... To me it was this foreign, abstract, crazy thing that all the doctors, OUR, doctors were talking about. I knew they were talking about us and about our baby but, really, who wants to embrace that? And, admittedly, I think my new sense of realism that I have gained after meeting with Mr. Surgeon, is probably still no where near what reality will actually be.
I'm not sure what we expected to happen when meeting with Mr. Surgeon. My guess is, having been around nothing but mostly positive, optimistic-ish, on the verge of sensitive, caring doctors, we were caught off-guard by the blunt, full disclosure, no sugar coating conversation we had with the surgeon. And while we'd had a taste of Mr. Surgeon before, thanks to him being the one that operated on Athan's heart, we'd apparently forgotten exactly how his bedside manner was.
This is not to say he was unprofessional or anything like that. He said the same things our cardiologist has said (although, maybe slightly less friendly) regarding risks and survival rates and the fact that basically everything has to go "right" for this to all work out the way we want it to. He explained the surgeries to us in the same way our cardiologist did. He explained in detail the importance of recovery, what she'll look like after surgery (although nothing can really prepare us for that) and to plan for at least 6 weeks recovery in the hospital. He didn't really tell us anything we hadn't already heard. The thing is, somehow, something about him, maybe just because he will be the one cutting open our little girl, made this all so damn real! And we weren't ready for that. Not that day, not today, not tomorrow. For me, it will only need to be real when "it" is actually happening, but until then, Mr. Surgeon has stirred something inside of me... something that is little by little making me accept that this is us, this is what we're going through. Something that is screaming out that this is our life.
Showing posts with label Time. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Time. Show all posts
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Sunday, September 5, 2010
The World Doesn't Stop Just Because We're Going Through This
We've tried to do our best over the last couple of days to let all of what's going on sink in, but the truth is, just because this is happening to us, the world doesn't stop. We still have to work. We still have to pay bills and clean the house. We still have to function in everyday life, when really, I'd like to just sleep for a few days straight. We still have to do all the little things that we wish would just go away for a while so that we could think, plan, or "figure things out". It's times like this that I wish time itself would just stand still, if only for a little while.
Perhaps the most important parts of our lives that we have to remember this fact is with Oli and Athan. We're going through this with Jillian, but they just want to be little boys. And that is exactly what they should be. We have to remember to play super heroes and get dirty. To ride bikes and watch movies with them. We have to remember that they can feel our stress. We have to remember that they are only 2 and 3 and that they don't understand.
Our minds have been so consumed with "what's going to happen?" and "what if...?" and "how are we going to do this?" and a million other questions over the last 5 days, that life for them can't possibly have been "normal". No wonder they're so crabby. No wonder they're acting out. No wonder Athan thinks he needs to sleep in our bed most nights.
I sit here right now, watching JR playing with our little boys and just now I'm realizing, this won't last forever. They won't always want to play with us. The time will come soon enough that they will want to spend more time with their friends than with us. We won't give up on Jillian, and we can't let this make us lose sight of them.
We've asked ourselves countless times over the last few days why this is happening to us? I don't think we'll ever understand completely, but for now the lesson we're taking away is that we need to slow down. We need to appreciate each and every day. We need to be thankful for what we have. We need to be thankful for Oli and Athan and for each other.
Friday after our appointment at Children's Hospital JR joked around that Jillian is our little speed bump. We had a little laugh at it then, but I think he's right. She is making us slow down. She is teaching us to be thankful for every minute we have. And when she arrives, we will appreciate every minute we have with her, Oli and Athan that much more, because of this.
Perhaps the most important parts of our lives that we have to remember this fact is with Oli and Athan. We're going through this with Jillian, but they just want to be little boys. And that is exactly what they should be. We have to remember to play super heroes and get dirty. To ride bikes and watch movies with them. We have to remember that they can feel our stress. We have to remember that they are only 2 and 3 and that they don't understand.
Our minds have been so consumed with "what's going to happen?" and "what if...?" and "how are we going to do this?" and a million other questions over the last 5 days, that life for them can't possibly have been "normal". No wonder they're so crabby. No wonder they're acting out. No wonder Athan thinks he needs to sleep in our bed most nights.
I sit here right now, watching JR playing with our little boys and just now I'm realizing, this won't last forever. They won't always want to play with us. The time will come soon enough that they will want to spend more time with their friends than with us. We won't give up on Jillian, and we can't let this make us lose sight of them.
We've asked ourselves countless times over the last few days why this is happening to us? I don't think we'll ever understand completely, but for now the lesson we're taking away is that we need to slow down. We need to appreciate each and every day. We need to be thankful for what we have. We need to be thankful for Oli and Athan and for each other.
Friday after our appointment at Children's Hospital JR joked around that Jillian is our little speed bump. We had a little laugh at it then, but I think he's right. She is making us slow down. She is teaching us to be thankful for every minute we have. And when she arrives, we will appreciate every minute we have with her, Oli and Athan that much more, because of this.
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