Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Bitter Sweet Ups and Downs

I had an appointment with my OB today- and at that let me pause for  a millisecond to say that we have truly been blessed with the absolute most amazing doctors we could ever wish for. Dr. Saenz and I formed a game plan of sorts, pre-game, if you will.  I'm so glad we had some of our questions answered, but with those answers come new questions and new emotions. 
We decided it would be best for us to deliver Jillian at University Hospital in Aurora, as it is literally about a block away from Children's Hospital. Instead of meeting with Dr. Saenz monthly, like a normal patient would (haha), I will alternate between her and an OB at University every four weeks until about 32 weeks. From 34 weeks (around November 20th) on I will probably need to be on bedrest, in order to keep Jillian in as long as possible, to give her the best chance at surviving surgery #1. 
I'm honestly not looking forward to bedrest, although by then I suppose it may be welcome. It's so sad to think that my interaction with Oli and Athan will be severely limited. I mean, how much fun are they going to have hanging out with me while I lay around for 5 or 6 weeks? But if it will help her, then I will do what I have to do. I just hope that someday they (Oli and Athan) will understand what is going on. I know they  can already feel the stress and the worry around them and I hate to think that it's only going to get worse, at times, from here. For now though, I'm trying to cherish everyday that I'm able to be home with them, take them to the park, or for walks. I'd be lying if I said they were perfectly behaved little boys, who never frustrated me, made me cry or made me want to pull my hair out, but I can honestly say I have a new appreciation for them. Even with all that's going on, I still feel lucky. 
We're hoping we can make it to at least 39 weeks before delivering. Dr. Saenz is guessing that University will want to schedule an induction for somewhere around December 18th. I'm a little sad that we will most likely not be able to have the spontaneous labor and birth that I was hoping for, but again if it's what's best for her, we'll do it. This means that Christmas will be coming early for my little boys. Probably December 4th, I think. Thank God their still little enough to not understand all of this. I can only hope that in the grand scheme of things this will only be a minor disruption for them.
As we're going through all of this, I'm a little surprised at all the ups and downs I've been feeling. We haven't even gotten to the hard part yet and I feel like I've already ridden an emotional roller coaster that could sustain the rest of my life. At the most unexpected times I will feel things that are completely unexpected. Today while I was waiting to see my doctor, a lady came in who is probably ready to deliver any day now. She was happy and smiley with her husband and who I'm guessing was her parents with her. I was surprised that I actually felt a little bit resentful toward her... I was literally thinking to myself, "must be nice to have a normal, healthy baby and not have to worry, or question anything. What a rough life she must have." I almost immediately thought to myself, "Whoa! What was that all about?" Usually I'm so excited for other people, even those I don't know, that it really surprised me to be feeling that way. I guess if I can pull myself back out of those negative feelings, hopefully we will be alright.
I'm trying to stay strong through all of this for JR, Oli and Athan. But the truth is, it's harder than I'm letting on. During the day when I have my boys to take my mind off of everything I do okay. But, in the middle of the night when I wake up and all is quiet (except for our neighbors...) all I can think of is the questions, the doubts and the fears. It's a rough road we're on, but we're really trying to believe that this is all happening for a reason. This is meant to be, even though to us it doesn't make sense.

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