We've tried to do our best over the last couple of days to let all of what's going on sink in, but the truth is, just because this is happening to us, the world doesn't stop. We still have to work. We still have to pay bills and clean the house. We still have to function in everyday life, when really, I'd like to just sleep for a few days straight. We still have to do all the little things that we wish would just go away for a while so that we could think, plan, or "figure things out". It's times like this that I wish time itself would just stand still, if only for a little while.
Perhaps the most important parts of our lives that we have to remember this fact is with Oli and Athan. We're going through this with Jillian, but they just want to be little boys. And that is exactly what they should be. We have to remember to play super heroes and get dirty. To ride bikes and watch movies with them. We have to remember that they can feel our stress. We have to remember that they are only 2 and 3 and that they don't understand.
Our minds have been so consumed with "what's going to happen?" and "what if...?" and "how are we going to do this?" and a million other questions over the last 5 days, that life for them can't possibly have been "normal". No wonder they're so crabby. No wonder they're acting out. No wonder Athan thinks he needs to sleep in our bed most nights.
I sit here right now, watching JR playing with our little boys and just now I'm realizing, this won't last forever. They won't always want to play with us. The time will come soon enough that they will want to spend more time with their friends than with us. We won't give up on Jillian, and we can't let this make us lose sight of them.
We've asked ourselves countless times over the last few days why this is happening to us? I don't think we'll ever understand completely, but for now the lesson we're taking away is that we need to slow down. We need to appreciate each and every day. We need to be thankful for what we have. We need to be thankful for Oli and Athan and for each other.
Friday after our appointment at Children's Hospital JR joked around that Jillian is our little speed bump. We had a little laugh at it then, but I think he's right. She is making us slow down. She is teaching us to be thankful for every minute we have. And when she arrives, we will appreciate every minute we have with her, Oli and Athan that much more, because of this.
So, here is my insight for the day ;) We did a lot of wondering when we lost Jonathan why it was happening. Here is where I found my logic leading me. I think that God hurts when he sees us hurting. I don't think that he chooses to punish or make anyone suffer. I do think that he has important and intricate plans for all of us, and sometimes as much as it pains us and God we have to go through the crap because it is an important landmark in the road on our journey to our amazing end. I think that the struggles all happen for a reason, and I'm not sure that any of us will ever understand why but I have decided it is best just to trust that God does have our best interests in mind and that he is here for us even more in these times to help bring us through them. Plus, I will always be here for you guys too. I'm not as omnipresent as God but I am just a phone call away : )
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